25 Signs That You Have Grown Up
Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You take naps from noon to 6 PM
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to"
replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply
to
you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
Snappy Comebacks
Snappy Comeback #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for
the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket,
not your stub."
Snappy Comeback #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Comeback #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you
all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Comeback #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the
bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
What Is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"
Dad
says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working
Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So
the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he
gets up to check on him, and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parents'
room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little
boy says to to his father, " I think I understand Politics now."
The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own
words what you think it is."
The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government
is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."
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